My Mess Became My Message P. 1

This is a small part of my life story, these are my experiences, and I will be talking about things that may be triggering to some people, so please tread lightly while reading. If you have a hard time with talking about abuse, God, divorce, or death please talk to someone, call a friend, family member, or even call, text, or message me. I am here to listen, comfort and offer help. I will be staying away from some specific names just to protect people’s privacy. By telling my story I am setting out to help at least one person in some small way.

I wrote this back in 2019 as “My Testimony” that I gave at a women’s bible study I was a part of. This was the first time I had ever spoken out loud about my whole story let alone in front of a group of women. Now I would say this a condensed version of my story, but still long. I will be breaking it up into parts, so it is not so much to read at one time. I ask for your grace, understanding, and patience as you read this. I pray you will open your mind, and learn something from my trials, and triumphs.

A lot has happened in my life that I am so grateful for, it has made me who I am today and continues to push me forward into the person I am meant to be. It took a lot to write this in the first place, then to speak it out loud into existence for several to hear, and now to put it on the internet where people all over the world can see. No matter your beliefs, values, stance, I know that my story can help someone and that is why I am putting it out there. So, without further ado please immerse yourself in My Mess Became My Message.

If you do not know already; Hi I am Martika Jade Masiak. Most call me Tika. I am a 30 year old wife, dog mom, daughter, granddaughter, and pursuer of living a life of meaning. I am from the beautiful state of Wyoming but call the equally as beautiful state of Montana my home now. My life has not always been easy and God and I have gone rounds about that. I will admit I am still working on my relationship with God, but I will say I have never given up on knowing him, loving him, or following him. I still make mistakes, I still try to avoid his callings, I get lazy in my path to him, but I do want to know him, love him, and follow him. My story is a journey but today I will try to give you a brief synopsis. God has brought me through all of it, and he knew I could do it, that is why he gave me this story and I am grateful for every trial, tribulation, heartache, pain, happiness, lesson, tear, and laughter that came with it.

God has been a constant in my life since I was little. I do not remember a ton of his presence. I knew at that time that my grandfather was Mormon, my grandmother was catholic, my great grandmother was catholic, and my biological father was Mormon, but it was not brought up much, that I can remember. I do remember going to church with my Great Grandma though. She played the organ in the catholic church and still did up until the last year or so. I would go with her to the top loft in the church and she would play, and I would watch the service from above and then when it was time for communion we would go down together and she would get her wine and bread and I would get holy water on my head and the priest would say something over me. I was too young to be able to get the bread and wine, but I remember thinking I cannot wait till I am old enough to be able to get that too. But I also remember being so bored I wanted to fall asleep.

I would say the next most significant memory of God I have was the day my Great Grandfather Died. I was very close to him. I called him Papa Dewey. His name was Dwayne Curtiss. When I was a baby, I could not say Dwayne, and so Papa Dewey was born. He called me his little Tekeweke. I remember the day like it was yesterday. It is engrained in my brain, the weather, every step I took that day. I think back now and can still remember getting off the bus and walking down the sidewalk to my grandma and grandpas house and being stopped by my papa before I got to the door, to tell me my Papa Dewey was gone. I was angry with God for a long time. I didn’t understand why he would take someone that I cared so much about away from me. I strayed away from him for a while after that. I was very angry, sad, and confused. I didn’t make it a big deal to know God or care about him. He had let me down, so why would I take the time.

“God our father” “Father God” these are common phrases that you will read in text, hear spoken in church, bible studies, prayers, normal conversations, and phrases used to lead people to accept God as your father. This acceptance for me, has not been easy. I had a lot of “Father Figures” in my life. Yes, of course I have a biological father but unfortunately, he was not a nice man. He was very hurtful to my mom and myself both physically and mentally. I remember bits and pieces of things that happened at that time in our life, but they are so jumbled that I am not sure what goes where, and I am not sure I am ready to deal with all that. So, for now I will keep those details to myself.

Just know our lives were in danger and by the grace and strength of God he got us through it and made us stronger and better because of it. I know now that God had a plan for us and was watching over us. I believe God brought me to my mom to get her through all that she went through and to get her away from that evil man.

When I was about Five, another man was brought into my life. He was a good man and took care of my mom and I. They got married and not only did my mom fall in love with him but so did I, he was my dad and I finally felt at home. My biological father gave up his rights for me and my mom’s new husband adopted me, and I took his last name. We were safe. We had the life we were meant to have. I thought we would be a family forever. But, there were other plans in motion and unfortunately, things ended between them and I was left devastated and heart broken.

After the divorce was final, I was left to live with my Dad. My mom moved out and I would visit her on the weekends. I don’t remember seeing her much, and I remember my heart aching whenever I couldn’t be with both parents at the same time. I spent the majority of my time either at my Great Grandparents house or my Papa’s house. My dad worked on the railroad, so he was gone a lot so I ended up making a home wherever I was at for that week or weekend.

It was not all bad, my grandparents took amazing care of me and loved me unconditionally. I have very fond memories with all of them. A big part of who I am today is because of them. I am very grateful for all they did to raise me and take care of me.

During this time my mom met a new man. He was a fun, good looking cowboy, who liked to party, rodeo, and adored my mom. O man did I hate him. Who did this guy think he was taking my mom away from me? Didn’t he know he didn’t belong in our family. My mom and I fought about him constantly. One fight in particular I still remember to this day, is the day I found out they were getting married. She had told me she would never get married again, she had told me it was me and her. This new guy ruined that, and I was determined to never forgive her. I ran away, I gave her the silent treatment, I said mean things to her future husband, etc.

Well as I am sure you can imagine, I overreacted a bit, I was 7 or 8 at the time and thought that my reaction to her getting married would make her change her mind, it did not. I got over my tantrum and stood by my mom as she married my Stepdad. Silver lining moment for you all, I did not go through this deal empty handed. He came with a little 1 year-old blonde girl who became my sister. I was now a big sister! Now it was not all sunshine and rainbows for her and I. We both were going in between different households, there was a pretty big age gap, and we were both starving for attention from our parents. So, we fought a little here and there. I got annoyed with her, she got annoyed with me. Overall, I love her very much I am so grateful for her, we got each other through some pretty shitty times. She gives me strength and I cherish the memories we have together. God truly blessed me with her as my little sister and I see now why this marriage of my mom’s is part of my story.

At the time of my mom getting married, I was still living solely with my dad and visiting with her on the weekends or summer vacations. Things changed for my dad and he ended up moving to Montana and allowed me to stay with my mom by my choice. I would see him on regular visitation, and I would start a new life with my mom and stepdad. My stepdad and I slowly became friends, and I came to love him and call him dad on occasion. What our future held was nothing I could ever imagine, and life did not get easier from here.

Thanks for sticking with me this far friends. We are going to pause the story there for now, as I continue to work on part 2. A lesson I would like to instill in you this far in the story, is God always has a plan, no matter how hard the situation is, no matter how devastating or heartbreaking things can be, God always has a plan in it for you. Keep that Faith and that mantra in your mind and you will be just fine. He always has your back. Don’t give up on him because he will never give up on you.